ARENA FOOTBALL FINDS ITS MATCH

TNN’s ‘Rockin’ Bowling’ has it all, from a reclining chair shot to speed bowling. And one of the collegiate bowlers will undoubtedly star in Super Bowl XXXV.
by Johnny Campos

St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner is living proof that there can be life after arena football. After all, he beat the odds by getting his team to the Super Bowl — and winning it all! — after starting the year as a no-name back-up. 

I mention this because I consider arena football as the most embarrassing place for a quality player to display his talent on a football field.

After watching something called “Rockin’ Bowl,” a new weekly series of bowling telecasts on The Nashville Network, I think I’ve found the bowling equivalent. It’s a show in which players from some of the top collegiate bowling programs in the nation bowl head-to-head for scholarship money ($10,000 to the series’ eventual winning team), using traditional and “nontraditional” frames. 

The premise is OK, because I’ve always thought the television networks were missing the boat by not showing more collegiate bowling. Their tournaments are usually pretty exciting, with lots of interaction among the teammates. In fact, there have been many collegiate bowlers who have made a successful transition into the pro ranks — on both the men’s and women’s tours.

But the format, well, that’s another story. Besides the Baker-style format during the regular frames, there are frames that require “special skills,” like bowling in the dark with glow-in-the-dark pins, bowling from a recliner, attempting to knock down exactly 21 pins in five balls or fewer, bowling with a plunger-like apparatus in “Shuffle Bowling,” and having an audience member, chosen at random, participate in “Frame of Chance.” Why not just have comedian Gallagher come out with his Sledge-o-matic hammer while someone is trying to roll a watermelon down the lane?

The action takes place at the All-American SportPark in Las Vegas in a room full of strobe lights, a live crowd, cheerleaders in skimpy outfits, and a live band called “The Pin Setters.” It had so many ingredients of a former MTV show called “Singled Out” that I expected the co-hosts of that show, Chris Hardwick (son of Hall of Famer Billy) and Jenny McCarthy, to come out and greet the audience. I should be so lucky. 

For some reason, TNN decided on using Gary Seibel as the show’s announcer. You remember him, don’t you? He’s the guy who really didn’t do a very good job on the PBA telecasts on CBS. After watching him do one of the “Rockin’ Bowl” shows, I have to wonder why somebody doesn’t take the microphone away from this man whenever he’s near a bowling telecast.

Let me qualify that. In one of the shows, a contestant was attempting to convert the 5-7-8 leave (which followed a wonderful first ball, by the way). So Seibel says, “It looks pretty good!” That was just before the ball hit the 8-pin flush and didn’t even come close to converting the spare. Nice call, Gary. Way to call it the way you see it. 

And it’s obvious that Seibel doesn’t do much research on the players. Even after one of the bowlers was shown delivering the ball right-handed during competition, Seibel still said that she was a lefty during a biographical segment of the show. (She was also writing right-handed when he said it.)

His partner on the show is 12-time PBA champion Randy Pedersen, a pretty good choice considering the format. He appeals to the younger crowd, he’s good-looking, and he has a great sense of humor. 

But if TNN really wanted to promote collegiate bowling, why not use a player with collegiate experience? Nothing against Randy, but how can he give any insight into the traditional bowling action if he has never done it? There are plenty of ex-collegiate bowlers out there on the Pro Tours that are easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean. 

The answer is that TNN probably isn’t out to promote collegiate bowling at all, just to get good ratings from the right demographics. One of the clues was the show’s “television correspondent and roaming reporter” Taylor Baldwin, a Jenny McCarthy wannabe who packs a big chest into a tight sweater. She jiggles her way throughout the show, explaining the rules for the nontraditional bowling frames and conducting on-lane, “meaningful” interviews after significant accomplishments by the players.

And how about those bowlers! These are supposed to represent some of the best collegiate programs in the country? In the one show I happened to catch, I saw players clip three pins off the left, whiff the head-pin, miss high-percentage single-pin spares, and miss entire clusters of pins on spare attempts.

One of the bowlers had a 157 average, a 208 high game and a 517 high series. Must have been a tough recruiting year. Most of the bowlers had seemingly legitimate statistics, but the lane conditions didn’t do them any favors.

And in case a problem came up, there was a “referee” wearing a ref’s striped shirt ready to throw the flag if there were ever any rule violations. He actually called a foul in one of the shows. So let me get this straight: a non-sanctioned player can participate for each team, you can bowl using a long toilet plunger, and you can bowl out of a recliner, but don’t you dare cross that foul line when speed bowling! After all, we must maintain the integrity of the sport! 

If any of this stuff catches on, it could be disastrous for both bowlers and proprietors. I can see all kinds of new problems arising already. “Let’s see, should I use the Lazyboy tonight, or go with the Barco-lounger? Better take both.”

And you think bowling bags are big now!