HOW TO IMPROVE THE OLYMPICS
Bowling would fit right in as a bona fide Olympic sport at the Winter Games.
by MORT LUBY JR.

MUSINGS OF AN OLYMPIC-De-prived bowling nut whilst watching NBC-TV's coverage of the Salt Lake City Games.

Cheating. Doping. Bad Press.

Let's not be smug. Bowling has more than its share of sports miscreants. Consider the sandbaggers who plague our handicap and divisionalized tournaments. What about the bowling proprietors who intentionally aid these creepy characters with "accommodating" lane conditions.
Sore Losers. Sore Winners. What, you've never witnessed a Marshall Holman or Petey Weber tirade? You've never read a news report in which a bowler complained about lane conditions, automatic machine pin placement, unfair formats, PBA officialdom, crowd noise, onerous demands from a sponsor, etc.? Greedy IOC officials. Host City Bribers. Where do we get off ridiculing the cash that Salt Lake City expended on IOC folks to lock up its bid for the 2002 Games? Lest we forget, the then-president of the United States Olympic Committee lost his job because of an alleged payoff from the bowling industry. Skeleton. Luge. Curling. If these are sports, I'm Jesse Owens. By any definition, a sport requires a certain amount of agility, stamina, accuracy. Bowling certainly meets all of these criteria better than an activity like sliding down a hill on a piece of plastic. Let's not even get into curling. Scientific Overkill. Who could have predicted that technology might help a skater to win the gold? But eight speedskating records were set in Salt Lake City thanks to hinged clap skates and high-tech ice. What's next? A computer chip in future skates will trigger a motor that releases the blade from the heel. This is just one example of the disgustingly prevalent application of technology to enhance performances at the Winter Games. Isn't it nice that we bowling purists have resisted the temptation to use scientific advancements in the manufacture and design of balls, lanes and pins to increase scoring? Unpaid Worker Bees. The Salt Lake City Olympics actually turned a tidy profit. Why? Because the organizers saved some $60 million in labor costs by relying heavily on 20,000 volunteers. Just like bowling, we might add. Just think of all the unpaid scorekeepers, ticket takers, computer jockeys, parking lot attendants and officials at the typical pro event. Boring TV. Whenever one of my non-bowling friends complains that telecasts of pro bowling events are sort of boring, I will gently remind them of the countless hours they spent watching people slide down snowy hills amid the worst glut of television commercials in the history of the medium. Sure, the skaters and some of the skiers were terrific. But the rest of the Winter Games? If it wasn't for the hype, nobody would watch this stuff. Another sled down the chute? Give me a break. International Relations. So now the Canadians hate the French, the Koreans are ticked at the Americans, and the Russians are mad at everybody. Maybe these haughty Olympians ought to take a clue from bowling, where you rarely see such chauvinism. Okay, a lot of the bowlers are annoyed by the Taiwanese, who've managed to perfect a style of bowling that gives them an edge. But bowling is largely free of jingoism. Does anybody complain about Mika Koivuniemi, the fabulous Finn who won the U.S. Open? Not really. (Of course, it helps that Mika is a really nice guy.) The Long Layoff. Untold buckets of tears have been shed over skater Michelle Kwan's third-place finish. Big deal. The FIQ World Championship happens once every four years, just like the Olympics. How many times have we seen the reigning superstar of international bowling lose the Masters title in the last game? Youth Conquers All. Wouldn't it be neat if a 16-year-old bowler could win a major pro event or an FIQ World Championships, a la Sarah Hughes? Bowling got a terrific boost when Paula Sperber won the U.S. Open at the fresh, young age of 19. (Of course, it helped that precocious Paula played the media like a fiddle.) Olympic Have-Nots. Everybody wants to get into the act. Even bridge, whose adherents staged "demonstration games" in Salt Lake City. Of course, bowling is not eligible for the Winter Games: IOC mandated several years ago that only sports played on ice or snow were eligible. But we're still pitching hard for the Summer Games. FIQ boss Jerry Koenig staged two soirees for Olympic officials at Salt Lake's Swiss House. The IOC keeps insisting that there's no room for new entrants, but you can never tell. Some longtime Olympic sports are in serious decline. Consider fencing, whose overall participation and geographic penetration has been fading for years. Although bowling is just one of several sports hankering to replace ailing "disciplines" on the Summer Games agenda, ours is a strong case. We have more than 100 national federations around the world, we have more total participation than any sport except soccer, and we get pretty good TV ratings. Finally, there are no judges in bowling. Either you knocked down the pins or you didn't.